At the end of my journey I finally admitted to myself that I did not believe in the existence of any god. Furthermore, the more I reflected I came to understand that I probably hadn’t believed in a god for quite some time even though I went through the motions of living as if I did. Most importantly I came to realize that non-belief in the existence of a god is beyond my control. I opened my mind to evidence, used my own reasoning to the best of my ability and let the proverbial chips fall where they may. I have been asked more than once how I can say that there is no god when no one can know such a thing with certainty. I would never a priori rule out the possibility of the existence of some yet-to-be defined god, but the beliefs that I once held of the Omni-God of fundamentalist Christianity are gone forever. Old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new.
So what do I mean by the blog title “Closet Apostasy”? According to Dictionary.com, an apostate is one who experiences “a total desertion of or departure from one's religion, principles, party, cause, etc…” For me as a de-converted Evangelical my previous life’s meaning was mapped out in the grand scheme of the Almighty Creator: I was a lost wretched sinner, yet I was redeemed from sin and hell through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, chosen by God for the purpose of exemplifying His glory and “winning others to Christ”. My faith was to be bold, unashamed, out in the open. I am an apostate because I no longer hold that view of life. I am “in the closet” because I no longer feel the need to evangelize or to convince others that I have all the answers. Unlike the New Atheists who have launched a frontal assault on religious belief, my unbelief is quiet.
My reasons for a quiet expression of unbelief are both practical and self-preserving. On the practical side, I do live in the “Bible Belt”. Belief and the communal church life that comes with it are as ingrained in the culture and fried chicken and football. The common introduction of “Hi, my name is…what’s yours? is almost always followed up with “So where do you go to church?” Having an answer is the social equivalent of the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval and not having one might leaves the un-churched respondent with an invisible Scarlet “A” (for atheist) embroidered across their proverbial chest. Given that setting, is there really any reason to provoke arguments or invite scorn and contempt, however unwarranted?
The second reason is purely self-preserving; the preservation of my family. While my wife and I began our life as two bible-believing, born-again Christians, we are currently on different paths when it comes to our faith. My wife has not joined me on my journey of unbelief, and she may never. She certainly did not sign up for an atheist husband but she and I both love each other and value our family (three children and one on the way). My wife has been gracious enough to allow me to go on this journey with her full support and love (although she would obviously prefer I was still a believer) so it would be disrespectful of me to embarrass her by calling attention to my views.
That being said, because my former faith gave birth to so many of my friends and acquaintances as time goes on more people will engage me in topics of faith and I will be forced either give a testimony or live a lie. I am a bad liar, so I will have to bear witness to the fact of my newly-found unbelief. This blog is intended for that purpose.
My hopes and intentions for this blog is to answer the many, common questions that I have been asked when I confess my non-belief (How can you not believe in God? If there’s no God, how did we get here? What about what the bible says? What about those entire bible prophesies that have already come true? Aren’t you afraid of going to hell? You were never a real Christian because if you were, you would still be one….) and delve a little deeper into some of the philosophical questions of life now that veil of belief has been lifted and allowed the light of reason to shine. In that sense, it’s as if I have been born again.
